This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
