The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
