Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
