Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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