You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
