I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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