When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
