when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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