Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
