garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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