Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
