there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
