five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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