I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
