wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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