my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
