Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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