my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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