what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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