I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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