I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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