please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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