there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
