So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
