Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
