there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
