I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
