You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
