This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We need to get me chipped asap
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
