Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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