Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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