So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
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SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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