Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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