he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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