Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
