I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
There's even glitter on my cock...
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