just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
