hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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