dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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