Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
