We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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