i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize