I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
