So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
