some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
