shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
