nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
