The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
