I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
