Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
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I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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