Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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