I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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