he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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