I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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