Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
