I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
