why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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