my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
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i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize