Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
