seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize